A Twisted Heart!!!

A heart can be twisted as fast as it takes to say "BOO"!

I have a beautiful 14 year old daughter. Her father and I have made the decision to not allow her to date until she's 16. Some may think its being strick,I however think its responsible parenting. Although she can't date she does have crushes. About 5 years ago she started to like a boy. He lives over an hour away from us. They met at the Horse club we belong to. 2 to 3 times a year she will see him during what's called a trail ride weekend. When she was in 5th grade she asked me if she could write him a note. As a mother my heart got all fuzzy remembering when I too wrote my first letter to a boy. However, with the rules we have in place I had to think about it. I finally came to her and told her she could, but she can not say she's in love, or wants to date, or ask him out, or say anything that is adult-ish. I literally heard a squeal and she ran off and started writing. I never asked her to see it. I trusted she would respect my wishes and I think it's important to allow kids to feel that trust sense. I remember te weekend every well. She came up to me with a smile and told me she gave it to him. I asked her if he said anything and she said no. The next day she woke up hoping to see him on the playground but his family was packing up for the weekend and leaving. Her reaction was bland, she was young and then she went to the swings. Last year, while she sat reading "twilight" at the lunch spot, this same "crush" came and had his lunch with her. I was at work and missed the whole thing. When I got to the clubhouse after work Zora came running to me and let me know he sat with her at lunch. She said " mom I was just minding my own business, reading a book and came and sat with me. We talked and he told me he still has that note I wrote him. IT'S BEEN 3YEARS". Tears built up in my own eyes but I held them back as I felt her emotions. That entire weekend she was in lala land.

At the beginning of the school year, she held her second crush. An eleventh grader, and he's in a band. She has asked to go to a few of his concerts, but with work, it never seemed to work out. Let's jump ahead a couple months to Valentines week 2012. The school does what's called a secret valentine. Its we're you buy a carnation for someone, and student council delivers it to the valentine for you during home room. My lil Bean (it's our nickname for Zora, she grew so fast my sister said she was growing like a bean sprout at 2months old and it stuck) asked if she could have 4 dollars. She informed me she wanted to buy 3 flowers for her 3 friends and 1 for this boy. I guess she's growing so I handed over the money. On valentines day I asked her that night if everyone got their flowers and knew they were from her. She rambled and rambled, and said how it was suppose to be secret, but student council put a list of who bought what for whom up in the lab, so if anyone wanted to find out they could go up and see. She told me she was walking behind the boy she bought a flower for, and he yelled to a girl down the hall " it was Zora that bought it for me". She continued to tell me she was so embarrassed hoping he wouldn't turn around, and that he only got one flower and it was from her. After that this boy came to a few of her basketball games and talked to her on a regular bases, including on facebook.

Trail ride 2012 my daughter is growing. She packs her stuff for the weekend,including makeup (this is a disagreement between her dad and I) and she is excited with glee. We arrive and off she goes.... Saturday night she gets all dolled up and god she's a beautiful county girl. You know, pink sunkissed tan, cowgirl clothes, braids,and a touch of makeup. Then she is gazing at her trail ride crush. She dances in a group of her friends and he is in that group. Throughout the night she glances at me with a sparkle in her eye because she knows I'm watching her.

This is where my heart gets twisted.... She's watching him. Hoping he'll remember their lunch from last year, hoping he too feels the same way she does. He looks at her from time to time, and her face lights up with redness, she is blushing. As a mother this is hard for me to watch. I know everyone thinks so far; aww how cute. What I am watching is not filling me with joy, but filling my head with " damn him how can I protect her from getting hurt". While she looks at him with dreamy eyes, he's looking at another girl, one of her friends. She doesn't realize it but soon she will. My heart is slowing tearing knowing she will be hurt. As the night turns from old to young my husband and I decide to turn in for the evening. Usually at the trail ride dance around 11:30pm - 12:00am the older crowd turns in and the younger crowd seems to come alive with energy (those 21 and over or 16 and sneaky I think a little alcohol gives them that extra boost of crazy silliness). My beautiful 9th grader knows better than to be sneaky, but I let her stay up and "party" with everyone. As my husband and I turn in I go in search to kiss her goodnight and remind her of the rules, and MY HEART IS COMPLETLEY BROKEN!! I find her on the playground, feet dragging as she spins on the merrygoround, crying. My first thought is she realized her trail ride crush likes another girl. I want to scoop her up and rock her. I ask what's wrong, she blurts out "he died, mom I'm so sad". I lean over her clueless and hug her and I find out her eleventh grader crush, died today. She heard it through Facebook, and other friends. Oh my god does my heart hurt. His family has got to be going through hell, she is going through hell. They were not dating they were just friends, but her "what if" heart hurts. I'm crushed. All I could do is hug her as she cried in my arms.

This is part of why I know emotionally she is not and I truly believe most kids her age are to young to date. The domino effect from this tragidy is going to be long and hard. I got a pre recorded call from the school, all families in the distric got the same call. It's the principal letting the families know a fellow classmate has passed, and the school is setting up grievance counseling tuesday for kids that need it. Oh my god, counseling? I feel a release of emotion knowing people trained with situations like this will be there for the students that will mourn a friend, for students like my daughter. It's less than 3weeks until final testing begins, my heart goes out to the school district.

Lessons I have learned throughout the years have helped me to this point in my life. Nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you as a parent to stand by and watch your child's emotions pour out. As strong as I am I find myself stronger than ever for her and preparing what is to come, yet I find myself weaker than ever. I never knew this feeling of strength and weakness could exist in the same moment. A twisted heart is worse than a broken heart, a few stitches can heal a broken heart but a twisted one can become tangled in a web of misunderstanding. I am learning. Live life to the fullest, live life with every emotion you can, and be sure to tell everyone how important they are in your life, EVERYDAY! Do not let small things cause pain that you may not beagle to undo, that you may regret for the rest of your life. Kiss your kids, know your kids, be there for your kids, for your family, for your friends.

EVERYDAY LIVE, LIFE, LOUD....